THE MOM SPIRAL
PARENT THE HUMAN WAY
BEHAVIORAL
When you know what behavior truly is. When you understand 3 concepts.
Your approach to behavior will be impactful and beneficial to your child, your connection and their development as a whole.
Behavior is either a stress response, frustration or counter will. When you know why these things happen,
you can actually solve them instead of grasping for fake control in punishment or band-aids.
You can only change behavior from the root. You have to stop working against nature and learn to support and work with it. Otherwise you wire them to adapt to your reaction and condition them away from their body and intuition.
Our bodies are made to express emotion. They are the vessels that hold this energy inside and behavior is the movement.
Your child isn’t the problem. Their behavior isn’t the problem. Even though it feels like it!
It’s how you view and then approach it all, that’s the problem.
Behavior isn't where you should focus your energy. It’s just a symptom.
Discipline can temporarily change what they’re doing, but it doesn’t address why the behavior is there.
So trying to change or stop a behavior is just another attempt at a quick or superficial fix.
You may get compliance, but you're missing the developmental growth and emotional regulation piece entirely.
You have to know frustration's role, it's purpose in the emotional journey and the process of moving from mad to sad.
You have to know about mixed feelings so you get why kids aren't as capable as you think they are.
For maturation to happen, they need to feel their sadness.
Frustration is the root emotion we all feel EVERY DAY. You need to give them this powerful ability to move through it properly.
When frustration doesn’t turn to sadness it turns into aggression. The root of aggression is frustration.
So you have to solve frustration not aggression.
Counter will is also natural and normal, but it doesn't feel good when it's directed at us.
Defiance, opposition, total resistance, but it's really their body protecting them.
You need this knowledge so that you can approach it correctly otherwise you're going to get more counter will.
It's an instinct and a drive, not an intentional behavior. And it's not who your child is.
WHAT YOU WILL RECEIVE FROM THIS SPIRAL
The Behavioral Spiral is different from anything in the parenting space.
Attachment and the Nervous System is the root cause to everything and that’s where your focus needs to be.
Behavior is a stress response to alarm or frustration.
You have to understand these two to ever approach it the right way.
Lots of reframes. Mindset shifts. New perspectives and ideas on behavior and discipline.
Here is all you can expect inside:
Fundamental information and understanding of the core concepts that you probably haven't heard before.
Alarm. Frustration. Counter Will.
The true, real, biology, human nature explanation with attachment and the nervous system as the root cause.
Teach your child these foundational concepts. Empower them.
Signs and ways you can mess with the natural process. Stop fighting and resisting nature.
Where to let go so nature can do the teaching you think or feel you need to.
All the misunderstandings, misinterpretations, misconceptions and myths.
All the problems with and alternatives to.
The differences and importance of.
Hidden, secret and tricky places you have no idea you’re messing with or hurting your child
or where you’re unconsciously or unintentionally doing it wrong.
Get out of your head and into your body.
Know how everything works, so you can support and move with it.
Hold space and be the pillar of regulation for your kids.
Find safety in your own body.
Everyone’s part in the emotional regulation journey.
The energetic perspective and how to approach the body as your guide.
What to do and what not to do. What to try. What to avoid.
What not to do to teach them coping or adaptation.
Lots of examples of what’s probably happening in your life right now and a different option.
What you’re doing or saying and what to do and say instead.
What you feel like it is and what it really is.
Common thoughts and approaches and what to do instead.
Places to look and consider that you might not be aware or think of.
Lots of real life examples.
Scripts and ideas as inspiration.
How to really make this possible in real life.
Tools and practices.
What I do with my girls and why. I’ll give you lots of detailed examples.
Things to do in the moment, after and outside the moments.
Normalize everything.
Stop ignoring, dismissing, distracting all the important pieces to life.
Allow. Not block or delay or interrupt or prevent.
Respond instead of react from the stress response. Respond to create change.
Reduce alarm and frustration, not add to it or the load or the buildup.
All the labels we put on everything. Stop looking at symptoms or using band-aids.
All the underlying reasons so you know what to solve in the first place.
Intentionally create more balance. Protect them. Create the space for them to thrive.
Increase connection. Strengthen attachment. Preserve the relationship. Protect development.
Long term goals not short term superficial, surface level results.
Look at different scenarios or ways to approach different children.
How and what they internalize. The story or belief they make about themselves.
The emotional and relationship tools for a lifetime.
Core knowing, understanding and experience of relationships.
Where your focus, attention, direction and action needs to be.
What is your responsibility and what’s not.
How to respond to the energy not the behavior.
What to do in places that trigger you (if you haven’t healed yet)
Why things can be really hard for us and how to get and stay out of the way.
The simplicity of it all.
All the opportunities for healing.
Take advantage of all the good, powerful, impactful, positive ways and places.
THE PROCESS
Send me your answers to my questions ☺ and I will reply with helpful insight.
I want to know you and your story, so I can support and initially guide you on your journey.
I will help pinpoint your core issues and advise where to best place your energy going in.
We'll have a call when you're done to cover any questions or concerns and prepare your plan going forward.
I know this will transform you! And I will make sure you receive as much as you can to integrate and experience true change.
This will NOT just be another thing. I've done way too many of those myself and I've created this for that exact reason.
You can return when you need to refresh or re-evaluate as you move through new stages.
You have lifetime access to the Spiral.
SUPPORT
Zoom call to go over your questions, concerns and situations when you complete the Spiral.
Community to share and explore together. Support and be supported. Connect with like-hearted women.
One month free access to the INTENTIONAL membership which opens April 2024.
INVESTMENT $ 2 9 7
You are worth all that it takes to embody who you truly are and mother from that place
You are worth it
Your child is worth it
THE OUTLINE
BEHAVIOR**
The beginnings of secure attachment. Our babies and where it all starts.
The foundational information and explanation of attachment and how it works.
Your role and your child's role. All the things a secure child learns. Attachment hunger.
6 year timeline. What this looks like in real life and how to strengthen each part.
DEVELOPMENT
How development and maturity connect.
What you need to be aware of so you’re not hindering the process.
How your nervous system states, lifestyle and society affects their development.
How they need to be truly dependent on you to ever be independent.
How development relates to behavior.
Explanation and examples of places that are typical, but not natural or supportive of development or attachment.
What’s really going on when you have to leave the park and how to handle transitions.
How to reorient when attachments change.
How to handle developmental delays in a healthy way.
How to protect development and set boundaries.
TIMELINE*
True explanation of what shyness is and isn’t.
How to safely approach shyness and not hinder their instincts or add labels or shame.
REASONS*
What it is and how you assume your role.
How it all goes back to safety and what that means to strengthen your position.
What this looks like and doesn’t look like.
RESPONSE*
The explanation of why this happens and the things that put this role reversal in place.
Signs and what it looks like when your child has stepped into the alpha role.
What it feels like for you and how you might feel about your child.
How this affects the nervous system and how it’s wired.
Other ways this shows up in life and in other relationships.
A look at your stuff and how it affects them.
ADAPTATION*
All the things you need to BE.
All the ways you assume your role and keep it strong.
How to keep your focus on you, not them.
How to be the parent. How to be responsible and accountable and influence outcomes.
The truth around boundaries and how to set them.
How to get to the place of balance between kind and firm, not too tough or nice.
CO-REGULATION*
Discuss all the places, teachers, caregivers, family, friends.
How we lose our kids and how to hold onto them.
How to set up strong attachments with other adults.
What’s really happening when you’re not their attachment.
The actual relationship model and timeline so they establish themselves first.
How wounding happens and how to prevent it.
What happens when your child attaches to a peer.
Divorce situations.
CRYING*
How to provide unconditional safety.
Looking at how you provide safety and if they are truly experiencing it.
How to create a solid, secure, safe foundation as your child’s core truth.
Safety setpoints and how to change them. How this affects all their future relationships.
How everything happens in our bodies and it only matters how safe it feels.
FRUSTRATION
What mixed feelings are and how they affect how we approach so much developmentally.
Really understanding and looking at the elements of frustration. Know how it works, how it’s supposed to move, and then you can support your child in the process.
The harm in trying to calm them down.
How this equates to being quiet and this disconnects them from their body
The full outline of this growth journey for emotional regulation.
How to direct the energy to move from mad to sad.
AGGRESSION
Why aggression happens.
The underlying reason is frustration, that’s what you need to solve, not the aggression.
How to treat and handle aggression.
How to soften their defenses.
Things we do that only add alarm and more frustration.
The questions to ask.
The 2 ways to respond to aggression.
All the ways to add play.
How to set limits with aggression.
STUCK
What this looks like.
Main things that lead to stuckness.
Sensitive children.
Labels and wrong diagnosis.
What this looks like emotionally.
How to use play to get around defenses.
Why teaching doesn’t work here.
Places to look and consider.
This peer wounding or issues that come up.
TEARS
How to move to tears.
How to proceed with caution and when. Signs.
The main way you can help.
What limits need to be set here and how.
How to hold space and what not to do.
What tears do not mean and how we usually take them or judge them.
How they naturally learn emotional regulation without us having to do anything.
How to look at tears in a whole new light.
DEFENSE
How they can end up adapting or coping to being stuck in this defense state.
How we prevent our kids from activating their natural healing mechanisms.
Soften their defenses, bring them back into their bodies, and open access to the sadness.
How to not suppress emotions. Learned suppression. What suppression looks like.
How coping methods change and transform and how to catch them.
What to do when they want to use these coping methods. The antidote to suppression.
What’s happening when they tell you no, talk back or say mean things.
Using play with power struggles.
ALARM
Understand its true purpose. Honor and respect its immense function in our lives.
How to know how to approach and work with it, not against it.
How to normalize alarm.
How to use this energy correctly and in the healthiest way for your body.
How our brain turns alarm into a story and this is what we think is the “problem.”
What alarm becomes for our kids when they don’t stay in their body with the sensation.
How to approach and handle fears.
Steps to bring down alarm in the moment. Prepare and empower outside the moment.
How to use your alpha role to reduce alarm.
Replace their idea with more truth.
How to use play to naturally conquer fears and alarm.
SEPARATION
Full explanation of how this has the greatest impact on attachment and the NS.
How to handle anticipated separation.
How to handle, prepare separation, before, during and after.
What to do so attachment is strong and you don’t have separation issues
What it takes to be truly attached to another adult and how to intentionally create this.
What to do when separation is an issue every time.
Lots of examples of what to do to strengthen attachment for being separated.
Steps to do before school starts.
What to do before and after separation.
Matchmaking, greeting, collecting, orienting.
Difference between alarm and exhaustion.
Defensive detachment, this is a commonly misunderstood experience, you think they’re having fun, but it’s an attachment red flag.
DEFENSE
What’s happening and what’s being wired for your child.
How they can end up adapting or coping to being stuck in this defense state.
Hidden places this can develop.
Distinction though between aggressive behavior and the release of aggression.
The trap of giving in when it’s not about the physical thing or getting their way.
All the ways we make it wrong and how this stops their intuition
How to talk about and normalize tears.
COUNTERWILL
What it is and isn’t. What it looks and feels like.
How you try to solve it and only create more counterwill.
What can happen when we’re not aware of counterwill
The things it’s not that we tend to use to interpret or justify it.
The fundamental way to handle counterwill .
Format directions so it’s easier for them to do what you’re asking.
DISCIPLINE
Use methods that preserve your relationship, connection and attachment and protect the developmental process.
The long term consequences that mess with attachment and your power.
What self control really is and how they’re not capable yet and what to do instead.
You’re teaching them to conform, not self control.
The cost and damage of traditional discipline.
Nature teaches lessons naturally.
Internalization and truths.
They don’t learn how to behave. They learn how to cope to or from your reaction.
Rewards. Backwards approach to punishment. What they really teach them.
Timeouts = Separation and Shame.
CONNECT
Why before you direct. I statements.
REPAIR
It still gives you the chance to wire the nervous system in a healthy way with resilience.
Hold a limit but still let them know the relationship is ok (which is all they need.)
The message you’re sending to their body with and without repair.
Say I’m sorry and apologize or not.
Safe rupture, mistakes, disagreements.
Avoid shame and stories.
Make a coherent and accurate narrative about what happened.
Need to do before the actual repair.
Examples of what to say.
the AND. That we can be upset AND still love them unconditionally.
If you come up against suppression or dissociation.
Challenges to effective repairs. They can be tricky and you have to have balance here.
Reflection piece.
RESPOND*
What it is and isn’t. What it looks and feels like.
How you try to solve it and only create more counterwill.
What can happen when we’re not aware of counterwill
The things it’s not that we tend to use to interpret or justify it.
The fundamental way to handle counterwill .
Format directions so it’s easier for them to do what you’re asking.
REWORD*
Use methods that preserve your relationship, connection and attachment and protect the developmental process.
The long term consequences that mess with attachment and your power.
What self control really is and how they’re not capable yet and what to do instead.
You’re teaching them to conform, not self control.
The cost and damage of traditional discipline.
Nature teaches lessons naturally.
Internalization and truths.
They don’t learn how to behave. They learn how to cope to or from your reaction.
Rewards. Backwards approach to punishment. What they really teach them.
Timeouts = Separation and Shame.
WHAT TO DO*
Why before you direct. I statements.
COMMON ISSUES*
It still gives you the chance to wire the nervous system in a healthy way with resilience.
Hold a limit but still let them know the relationship is ok (which is all they need.)
The message you’re sending to their body with and without repair.
Say I’m sorry and apologize or not.
Safe rupture, mistakes, disagreements.
Avoid shame and stories.
Make a coherent and accurate narrative about what happened.
Need to do before the actual repair.
Examples of what to say.
the AND. That we can be upset AND still love them unconditionally.
If you come up against suppression or dissociation.
Challenges to effective repairs. They can be tricky and you have to have balance here.
Reflection piece.
How to actually show up. How do you get through it all in real life, in real time.
Surrender. Being with emotion. Coming along.
How you can be with them too much, take on their emotions, empath advice
Containment. Protection. Comfort. Fear. Presence
How to change their experience.
Misattunement. Support and match their energy. Connect and bring down like Mary Poppins.
What to do in places that trigger you (if you haven’t healed yet.)
Rewire your safety. Expand your capacity. You heal through experience.
How I use this time for my healing.
This is amazing to set up between siblings
PLAY
Benefits and need for true play.
Release emotions and energy, process their lives.
This isn’t really how most of us view play.
All the reasons it can be hard for you and how to heal it.
What true play is and what it looks like. Not typically how we view play.
What needs to be in place and happen to move into play. How to support and develop this.
Helps with fear, release, expression, connection, exploration and movement.
How you’re your child’s best therapist.
Independent and self directed play.
Laughter.
BEING WITH*
Not being calm.
Does your child know or ever experienced true rest.
Set up places and spaces.
How nervous system is wired.
Boredom.
Not just taking a nap.
Silence, stillness, space.
How your alpha role lets them rest.
CONSENT*
What it is and isn’t. What it looks and feels like.
How you try to solve it and only create more counterwill.
What can happen when we’re not aware of counterwill
The things it’s not that we tend to use to interpret or justify it.
The fundamental way to handle counterwill .
Format directions so it’s easier for them to do what you’re asking.
CALM*
Use methods that preserve your relationship, connection and attachment and protect the developmental process.
The long term consequences that mess with attachment and your power.
What self control really is and how they’re not capable yet and what to do instead.
You’re teaching them to conform, not self control.
The cost and damage of traditional discipline.
Nature teaches lessons naturally.
Internalization and truths.
They don’t learn how to behave. They learn how to cope to or from your reaction.
Rewards. Backwards approach to punishment. What they really teach them.
Timeouts = Separation and Shame.
INTERRUPT*
Why before you direct. I statements.
RECAPS*
It still gives you the chance to wire the nervous system in a healthy way with resilience.
Hold a limit but still let them know the relationship is ok (which is all they need.)
The message you’re sending to their body with and without repair.
Say I’m sorry and apologize or not.
Safe rupture, mistakes, disagreements.
Avoid shame and stories.
Make a coherent and accurate narrative about what happened.
Need to do before the actual repair.
Examples of what to say.
the AND. That we can be upset AND still love them unconditionally.
If you come up against suppression or dissociation.
Challenges to effective repairs. They can be tricky and you have to have balance here.
Reflection piece.
REFLECT*
What it is and isn’t. What it looks and feels like.
How you try to solve it and only create more counterwill.
What can happen when we’re not aware of counterwill
The things it’s not that we tend to use to interpret or justify it.
The fundamental way to handle counterwill .
Format directions so it’s easier for them to do what you’re asking.